I imagine project leader (or someone similar) going out to the audience and saying:

"After long and hard work we present to you the long awaited new release of DNN, packed with exciting new features! First you'll have to find them all by yourself, then try and figure out how they work. Don't worry, we won't spoil your fun by giving you any clues. Just imagine yourself an advantureos explorer charting an unknown continent. Isn't this fun?"

I commend your style..   9/10    but only 2/10 on harshness  ;)